“In this cacophony of individual memoirs, how is it possible to have a mutual exchange of information?”
Relationships can be tricky. There are a myriad of nuances. A multitude of layers. Years of experiences vying for attention. Years of feelings, thoughts, expectations, traumas, learnings, emotions, needs, wants. Relationships are made up of many elements. Two of those elements are conversation….and silence. Think of a relationship in your life. What percentage of the relationship is conversation? What percentage is silence? On a scale of one-to-ten what is the quality of conversation? On a scale of one-to-ten what is the quality of silence? What would a world of non-stop conversation be like? What would a world of silence be like? Could relationships function with either? Do we need a mixture of both? What about the conversations in your own head? The internal silent / not-so-silent monologues.
In a relationship of two, each person brings all of this. In a gathering of three, each person brings all of this. In this cacophony of individual memoirs, how is it possible to have a mutual exchange of information? A communion? An intercommunication?
In our personal lives, this is eventful. In an organization, how do we cope with the racket? The silence? The loud silence? The quiet silence? The vibrancy of energies? The conversations? The conversations behind the conversations? The internal dialogues? The stark unspoken sentences between the spoken?
Do we allow ourselves to be immersed in this 24/7. Or would it help to sometimes take a step back and observe? To simply witness what is happening?
In an organizational setting, relationships can be all-consuming. In the context of a systemic stakeholder vista, intercommunicating with employees, peers, employers, boards, clients, suppliers, directs, non-directs, investors, communities, government, unions, founders, owners, shareholders? Hierarchical, functional, divisional, multi-divisional, horizontal, flat, matrix, line, centralized, decentralized, circular, team-based, and network structures? Not to forget … silos.
If we choose to observe and become a witness from time to time, how do we do this? In situations such as artfully delegating, proposing succession plans, sharing performance reviews, communicating with the board, recognizing the CEO, negotiating with suppliers, discussing salary adjustments, mediating with unions, transmitting results, aligning the vision, strategy, planning?
“What monologue is going on in my own head?”
Four of the ways which may help us become more aware of the relationship and conversation panorama are to consider unconscious processes and psychological phenomena such as transference, internal dialogues, parallel processes and projection (TIPP In™).
How are my past and current relationships somehow governing the dynamic of the relationship with the person in front of me, right now?
How are relationships from elsewhere impacting the current conversation?
Where am I transferring patterns from past experiences or relationships into the relationship and conversation?
What monologue is going on in my own head?
Where are both parties re-creating past patterns?
Where am I attributing my own feelings onto the other party?
Wisdom Tool Number One: Become Aware of Transference
Transference can occur when patterns from past experiences or relationships, unknowingly, show up in relationships / conversations.
Let’s take the example of sharing a performance review between a leader and an employee. Transference happens when patterns from the employees past experiences or relationships, unknowingly, show up in the relationship/conversation. This can take the form of, for example, the leader, unknowingly, reminding the employee of his/her father/mother/early teacher. Feelings about the father can show up, unconsciously, via behaviors in the current conversation. Beliefs held from the relationship with that ‘authority’ figure can contribute to reactions and feelings presenting themselves during the current meeting.
“How attentively am I listening to the person in front of me, right now?”
In short, if the leader reminds the employee of a certain person, the previous patterns of behavior can be transferred into the current relationship.
In a similar way, counter-transference happens when patterns from the leaderspast experiences or relationships, unknowingly, show up in the relationship / conversation.
When we are having a conversation with someone, and it produces a dynamic we don’t fully understand, positive or negative, perhaps we can ask ourselves:
Does this person remind me of someone?
How am I reacting?
How am I responding?
How attentively am I listening to the person in front of me, right now?
Wisdom Tool Number Two: Become Aware of Inner Dialogue
Internal dialogue can occur in a number of ways, for both parties, and can impact the conversation. Both parties may have thoughts about the conversation before it happens. Both parties may reflect on the conversation afterwards. And both parties may have internal dialogues during the spoken conversation.
“What can I learn about my ability to be present?”
Once we become more aware of the inner dialogues / monologues taking place before, during and after a meeting, perhaps we can ask ourselves:
How can these ‘dialogues’ positively support the conversation?
How do they enhance my self-reflection, critical thinking and problem-solving skills?
How can they support developing new helpful perspectives?
What does the inner dialogue during a meeting say about my attentive listening skills?
What can I learn about my ability to be present?
Wisdom Tool Number Three: Become Aware of Parallel Process
A parallel process occurs when an outside relationship which is under discussion governs the dynamic of the current conversation. It is when the conversation, unconsciously, takes on elements from the external relationship. For example, an employee brings to the meeting, with the manager, a situation with a client. The parallel occurs when the employee starts to mirror the behavior of the client that they are talking about. It may also happen that the manager behaves in the same way as the client they are discussing. For example, if the employee becomes angry and are waving their hands, this could be a mirroring of the behavior of the client in a meeting they had.
“How are behaviors of the client showing up in the current meeting?”
When we are having a conversation with someone, and it produces a dynamic we don’t fully understand, positive or negative, perhaps we can ask ourselves:
How is the current meeting similar to the meetings the employee has with the client?
How are behaviors in the current meeting a reflection of the employee-client meetings?
How are behaviors of the client showing up in the current meeting?
As a leader, am I aware if the employee is acting out the client behavior and would raising it appropriately contribute to helpful insight for the employee?
As a leader, am I aware that I am acting like the client and how frustrating this dynamic could be for the employee?
Could the organizational culture of the client be having an influence on this current conversation?
Wisdom Tool Number Four: Become Aware of Projection
Projection occurs when we, unconsciously, attribute elements of our own characteristics onto another person. For example, an employee may raise an issue about someone saying they are impatient and rushing them. When in reality, it is the employee themself who feels impatient with themselves and feels intrinsically rushed to get things finished. Or a leader, where I attribute to an employee that they are disorganized and not taking responsibility, without seeing that those are characteristics which belong to me. Or if I find myself criticizing another, it may be that I am criticizing myself a lot.
“How can you become more aware if you are projecting onto another?”
If you feel the employee is projecting, how can you take a step back and view the conversation objectively?
How can you become more aware if you are projecting onto another?
What healthy approach can you take to neutralize the conversation?
“Handle with wisdom!”
“A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing”. I ventured to explore a sliver of this topic to enhance our understanding of relationships and situations. Things are not always as they seem, and in broad systemic landscapes there can be many factors at play in a relationship or during a conversation.
Transference, inner dialogues, parallel process and projection are important concepts to be aware of in management, as they can impact the effectiveness of relationships and conversations between managers and employees. By understanding these concepts and being mindful of how past experiences and patterns might impact current relationships, managers can work to build more effective, positive, and productive relationships.
Becoming aware is the first step and being wise and appropriate about how we use that awareness is the second. Hold the integration of multiple lenses lightly. Handle with wisdom!
“Good self-governance leads to good organizational governance.”
To further explore how you can access your innate wisdom to better understand self-governance and organizational governance, schedule a coaching conversation with Siobhán. Drop a note to siobhan.cahalan@gmail.com to set something up.
P.S. Here are three ways I can help you get to know you, and your organization, better.
- Schedule an exploratory call with me: siobhan.cahalan@gmail.com.
- We will explore the challenges you are facing and the impact of those.
- We will create a plan to build awareness of what may be holding you back and contributing to the challenges and develop a strategy to move beyond them and forward to the place where you want to be. Your Vision.